Post by Akomplice on Feb 15, 2011 0:47:04 GMT -5
Moments after winning the championship fans outside the Staples arena start to riot, no one was seriously injured.
When looking at the landscape of the league right now, it appears that the elite are truly that elite. Fans can be heard chanting F U BOSTON over and over. No one needs to be reminded the history between the Celtics and Lakers as it dates back many decades. This rivalry is as bitter as they come in sports these days, neither side likes each other at all. After the Lakers made quick work out of the Celtics, one outspoken celebrity decided to open up his mouth.
You see me? I got my Tux on. WTF You doing Whalberg?
Jack Nicholson had some rather choice words for the Boston Celtics squad and their general manager. Hey numb nuts, what's wrong with you? You got this guy LeBron James, ever hear of him? You decide that it would be a good idea to bring him off the bench? Maybe that shit flies in Canada, but here in LA you got to bring your best or else your gonna go home empty. Hey Shaq, tell me how does my ass taste? You leave LA without winning a ring and you go do it in Canada? YOUR A FUCKIN FUCK. How does it feel now, having Tim Duncan shut you down? You like that, what's the matter you gonna make another rap CD? Here is a clue, pay me a 100 million and I'll do a movie with you so finally someone gives a rat ass about your career. Just when you thought the rant was over he decides to save the finale for AI and Kidd. Hey hey Jason, what's the matter? You didn't beat up your wife hard enough? Did you hit your kid so hard that his head expanded, HUH DID AI try and bet you for your wife. That's right IVERSON you selfish ball hog I'm calling you out. Call yourself the ANSWER WELL THEN RIDDLE ME THIS.... PRACTICE YOU EVER HEAR OF IT.
Towards the end of the interview, Jack looked more like this.
The next day after driving down Rodeo Drive you could see this banner on every street corner...
The bad blood has been spilled by Jack's tirade, it was something that had to be addressed. Who else to address him but none other than Mark Wahlberg.
STOP CALLING ME MARKY MARK!
Listen we all know and respect Jack's career, but his latest rant clearly went over the line. It's ok to talk about sports, we get it the Lakers beat the Celtics. However once your start attacking individuals that's when it becomes a problem. I just want to take this time right now and request that Jack be a man and apologize for his latest actions and we will be able to move on. However if he lets it linger for a week or two, I have a feeling that bad things will happen. We don't want anyone to get hurt, look at what happened to Tupac and Biggie, we lost them to the violence. C'Mon Jack, you don't want this to happen.
Reporter: We have a phone call. They say it's Jack, I'm going to put him through.
Caller: HEY MARKY MARK
Mark: Jack is that you?
Caller: MARKY MARK
Mark: Jack if that's you we just want an apology.
Caller: Words of wisdom, Mark, my man. Words of wisdom
Mark: Have you thought things over, your actions?
Jack: You've had your whole FUCKING LIFE to think things over, what good's a few minutes more gonna do you now?
Mark: Woah Jack, were on live tv.
Jack: Okay, let's talk. What do you wanna talk about?
Mark: You know what I want to talk about.
Jack: And are you concerned about ME?
Mark: Jack what's wrong with you?
Jack: Have you ever had a SINGLE MOMENT'S THOUGHT about my responsibilities?
Mark: Jack your scaring us all.
Jack: Mark, I'm Coming...
Dial tone
Jack: Well what the hell was that all about.
A few days go by until this shocking image was taken:
It appears that two Celtic fans stole Tim Duncan away from the Lakers and are now threatening his life until Jack apologizes for his outrages. Each day that passes bye a finger will be taken from Tim. The people of Los Angeles are outraged that the fans of Boston would go so far due to one fan. They storm to Jack's house and demand that he apologizes, as they reach the door they see a note on it. "This is a job for the Joker"
Jack makes a TV announcement from an unknown location.
I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy. Jack? Jack is dead, my friend. You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier. Hello, Kimmy. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check! Jimmy, tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? You see this weapon right here, I'm going to hurt you until we get Tim Duncan back. Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile. And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is Mike? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
The camera goes blank after that. It should be said that the two men pictured with Tim Duncan are Vinny and Mike. Their identity has been exposed due to them uploading the picture to their facebook wall.
Just when everything seemed quiet, somewhere in a residential Boston home the words I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys spread throughout the room. Jack has finally found Vinny and Mike. Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch! Come to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Come on! Moments later the Joker err Jack saves Tim Duncan. I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist. After Tim was saved unharmed Jack turns to him and says it's time to retire! Feel free to drop in.
So what did we learn here kids, never ever mess with Jack Nicholson.
This has been brought to you by The Shining, Batman and Celtic pride.
